The weekend is upon us folks, that means FriDad is here. This weekend, I have my sons third birthday.

This week I wanted to take it a little easy, Laura and I have been rushed off our feet with work, stress, the party and xmas presents. So, I’m going to write a list of 20 things I want to remind myself to never do again if and when I choose to have a second child.

1: There is no simple solution to anything…except giving in to their demands.

Remember that sweet young man that you were that said he would do anything for his child? How much do you look back at yourself and laugh, you idiot? Children are fantastic at knowing how you work and how to push your buttons. If his screaming doesn’t work, then knowing that you will eventually cave if he behaves a certain way will. DON’T BUY HIS TRICKERY! STAY FIRM!

2: Don’t eat his leftover food.

I understand, you’ve gained a few pounds since he was born. You’ve shrugged off the gym and dieting countless times, because your lifestyle is so erratic. However, if I have to invent time travel to go back and kick your ass, it’s because you eat what food he doesn’t bother finishing. YOU PIG! LEAVE IT! There’s a likelihood most of it is re-usable, also children’s dishes aren’t nearly as delicious as adult ones. Stop lying to yourself that they are, put the damn Thomas the Tank spaghetti shapes and cook something! Geez!

3: Don’t lie to him.

When you told him that dragons would eat him if he didn’t sleep, how did you expect that to turn out? Now, he has night terrors, you rob everyone in the flat of sleep and made things ultimately worse. Those lies don’t work. Would you like it if someone told you they’d put a Hippo in your flat because you don’t write enough? Goodness knows how much you’re terrified of Hippo’s, take it easy on him.

4: Don’t stay up so late that you tire yourself up knowing that you have a late start with a child who is high maintenance with a fiancée who requires your help.

I rest my case on this one.

5: Don’t forgo trips to the library.

They’re crazy brilliant! They have books, climbing structures for kids to sit on, activities and details for activity days. Spread the good word and keep visiting, he loves it.

6: On the day of delivery, drive safely.

It’s important to get the hospital…in your car, not in an ambulance. Don’t make your trip ironic.

7: Don’t take his medicine thinking it will help you when you are ill.

It simply doesn’t, grow up man.

8: Don’t make jokes when you’re overtired to strangers.

It’s one thing to be funny, Scott. You are somewhat funny, people have said it about your writing, but telling an old lady that your son needs milk and your breasts are too hairy DOESN’T MAKE YOU APPROACHABLE! BE NORMAL!…if you even can.

9: Also, don’t try to connect with all strangers.

It was great that guy in that shop helped you find dummies when you needed them and connected with them because he has a child. But hearing his ideas for how bedtime would go if he was allowed to was creepy. JUST THANK YOURSELF YOU’VE NOT SEEN HIM SINCE!

10: You don’t fit on children’s rides…

LET YOUR CHILD GO ON THEM!

11: Don’t just stay in.

There’s a world out there full of lovely parent people, you’ve been fortunate enough to meet some. Keep doing that, your children make friends and so do you.

12: Snacks and treats shouldn’t be left in a childs proximity

THEY…WILL…FIND…IT! Hide it better!

13: Get more free time.

It’s not illegal to want some adult time with Laura. You have offers for babysitting about, don’t be afraid to use them.

14: Kids aren’t entirely ready for sports.

Stop trying to make Max play sports like an adult…you’ll lose anyway.

15: Don’t forget your age.

It’s natural to still like things that 24 year olds like, stop pretending you have to like more adult things. If you want to buy that Megazord action figure from Toys R Us because you never got one as a kid then do it. And certainly take it out of the box, don’t save it because you think it’ll be valuable in the future.

16: Don’t avoid any little thing as father/ son time.

Whether it’s going on his scooter, feeding the ducks, cleaning the car or messy play, it’s fun to do together. Let him do it, stop forgetting that there’s loads to do beyond an iPad.

17: Children treat iPads like the holy grail.

You can’t avoid it, but you can control it. Use them wisely young padowan.

18: Don’t go out looking like that.

No one chooses the dragged through a bush look. Go back into that push and find the handsome young man you were that got snagged on a branch.

19: Don’t go into a corner at night all the time.

That’s your fiancée over there. You love her, she’s beautiful, she makes you laugh, she’s adventurous, she’s intelligent, she would do almost anything for you…spend time with her.

And finally.

20: Don’t regret a thing!

These past three years were not easy by any stretch. But in that time, you raised a beautiful son, got engaged to the woman that still gives you butterflies, you graduated University with the grade you desired, got your own place, got a script made, had so much fun…you wouldn’t have changed a moment. Embrace it and look forward to the next exciting moment. You’re a good dad and a capable guy, if you have a second, they’ll be lucky I know it.

As always, have a great week.